


No Touching Allowed

by wouldgirthmatter



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, mention of bruises/minor injuries, not really gay panic but just richard-esque anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 15:25:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11382963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wouldgirthmatter/pseuds/wouldgirthmatter
Summary: Richard always flinches or screws up or moves away when people try to touch him - especially when women try - but when Jared tends to his wounds after getting his ass beat by Melcher, Richard has a realization.(I've always noticed Richard's behavior around women vs. around Jared, and so I thought it would be interesting to write about a little of Richard's experience with compulsory heterosexuality. Call me self-indulgent lol)Set after 4x10, so their relationship is already a tad bit strained.





	No Touching Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written fan-fiction/posted my writing anywhere, but i hope this lives up to any expectations y'all might have :-)

It had been a hot minute since Richard got back on his feet and apologized to Jared for his behavior at Hoolicon. 

Richard sat in his bed unable to sleep, thinking of the night they got back from Melcher’s office, and how attentive Jared was. Dinesh and Gilfoyle respectively slouched to their bedrooms, but Jared stayed back and insisted on tending to Richard’s wounds.

They had sat in moderately awkward silence, Richard’s guilt still somewhat lurking above their heads. Richard couldn’t help but notice how close he was to Jared, his large hands gingerly touching sensitive bruises; the way their knees pressed against each other made Richard feel something in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t put his finger on.

Jared didn’t seem to be holding any grudges – he was still as loyal as he ever was – though he still felt vaguely betrayed. But that is to say, it was significantly muted by his persistent devotion.

Jared’s eyes were softly but earnestly focused on helping Richard, which he saw when their gazes briefly met. Richard had been looking all around the room, biting his lip, and messing with his hands, when he tried to discreetly look at Jared’s expression, trying to evaluate the tone of the room. But Jared just so happened to look down at the same time.

Richard’s eyes darted back to his hands and he flinched slightly. Jared moved away from his face by a few inches and he gently asked, “Are you alright, Richard?” with a bit of concern.

Richard nodded with a twitch, looking up only briefly and biting into his lip even harder. “Yeah, no – I’m-I-I’m good, I’m okay.” 

He tried to muster a smile and ease Jared’s anxiety, but his face kept the same worry behind it.

“Okay, well let me know if you need anything. I’m almost done here.”

His hands returned to Richard’s bruises and he felt every nerve in his face jump at the contact. Something about Jared was so comforting and Richard self-destructively wanted to shy away from it. 

He could feel that he had disappointed Jared. He could tell that he had done something to the dynamic between them, and the guilt was crawling up his throat. He worried that his apology was insufficient and it didn’t make up for all that he did, but he also worried that no amount of apologies could ever fix it completely. 

Richard swallowed his anxiety and looked up at Jared as he pulled his hands away to grab some kind of bottle. 

“So, how do you know how to do all this medical stuff?” he asked with a meek smile, attempting to fill the silence.

Jared turned back to his Richard and held his hands still for a brief moment, his face washed over by a glossy expression, before weakly but sincerely smiling. 

Richard regretted the question as soon as he saw this though, realizing that he should have a pretty good guess, and looked at Jared with his mouth hanging open in his own quiet repentance. 

Jared leaned forward back to Richard’s face and said in a warm, comforting tone, “Different walks of life.” He could tell that Richard felt sincerely bad about everything, and not only his comment, and tried to not be too cold in his response. 

Richard tried to stutter out a small apology, “I-I’m sorry Jared, that was, I know that you, I know-“

But Jared touched Richard’s hands and looked at him with his infinitely patient eyes. 

“It’s fine, Richard.”

They looked at each other for only a second but the same unfamiliar feeling flared up in Richard’s stomach. Jared nodded and tilted his head.

“This part will sting a little bit though.”

Richard closed his eyes and sighed with a nod. He hadn’t been able to manage saying the right thing to anyone in a long time, but it was especially annoying when he was trying to speak with Jared.

Jared dipped a Q-tip into the bottle of mystery liquid and raised it to a small lesion above Richard’s eyebrow. 

“It’s not a very deep cut, and it’s very small, but just to be safe.”

Richard sighed again.

“Alright.”

He scrunched up his face and flinched a little at the feeling, but Jared was screwing the lid back onto the bottle before he knew it.

Just too quickly as well, Jared stood up and their knees were no longer touching. Richard looked up to see Jared packing up his emergency kit and he couldn’t swallow the remaining guilt rising back up his throat again.

“Jared, I’m still really sorry about everything,” slipped out of his mouth almost uncontrollably, though it didn’t sound as panicked as he felt saying it.

Part of him recoiled at his sudden comment, but he legitimized that he could never apologize enough. 

Jared looked back up to Richard and tilted his head slightly.

“I was a real – I was a real asshole, and-and I’m sorry.”

Richard’s eyes darted around the room frantically, as hard as he tried to contain it, and he began to taste copper from chewing on his lips. 

“Thank you, Richard. You’ve already said so,” Jared replied gently, giving a small smile.

Richard stood up and tried his hardest to look at Jared directly.

“Y-yeah, I know, but… I just… You… y-you mean a lot to me.”

His voice trailed off, and he couldn’t manage to maintain eye contact. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Jared be taken back a little bit, as if the words touched him physically. He instinctively glanced up, just quickly enough to see Jared’s expression, and felt the following moment of silence fully, waiting for a response.

Jared raised a hand to his chest and looked confused.

“You… I mean a lot to you?” 

His voice was so faint and vulnerable that Richard’s stomach instantly tied itself into knots.

He rolled on his heels and pressed his right thumb into the palm of his left hand. 

“Yeah, I mean, you…”

He trailed off again and closed his eyes before looking straight at Jared.

“You mean a lot to me, Jared. And I’m sorry that I disappointed you and I’m grateful that you have… I’m grateful that you are a part of the company.”

He spoke matter-of-factly but saw Jared’s expression minutely react to the word, “company” as they stood there, a few feet apart.

Richard immediately continued, “I’m glad that you’re a part of my life.”

He figured that was a good clarification. 

He saw how Jared was shaken and put his hands in his pockets, anxiously shifting his weight, realizing he was terrified of the endless amount of possible ways Jared could react. 

Jared’s face showed shock – that was definite – but Richard couldn’t tell what else was there. Jared was so loyal and devoting, but Richard had let him down so severely and so recently. He worried that it was too soon for Jared to give a warm, reciprocating reply to his admission.

But that wasn’t entirely true. 

Once Jared collected himself, he stepped forward, only slightly closer to Richard though.

He spoke even softer and his voice slightly wavered as he went on.

“Thank you for that, Richard. I’m glad that you are in my life as well,” was all that he could say, as his eyes got shiny.

He smiled down at Richard, who could feel every bit of affection that Jared was trying to communicate without touching him as he had come to understand was uncomfortable. 

Richard looked back up with a similarly passionate smile.

“I’ve never told you that explicitly but it’s true. So thank you. And I’m still sorry.”

Jared looked like his heart was close to bursting with Richard’s recent behavior still hanging in the air above them, but nonetheless, Jared’s smile went through all of it to reach Richard.

Richard felt weird with how they were standing apart and awkwardly reached his hand out to give some kind of physical affirmation to Jared that this moment was just as emotionally intimate for him too. His hand faltered in limbo in the air for a moment before he put it on Jared’s shoulder, palm laying flat against his sweater. 

Jared’s hand reached up to loosely hold Richard’s wrist, and they stood like that for a moment. Richard felt his skin light up where Jared touched him, and normally he would’ve jerked his hand away from the shocking sensation and apologized for rejecting Jared like that, but something stopped him from ruining the moment. 

He felt something pool in his stomach that felt pleasant – almost like desire – but was completely unidentified; it was different than what he had been feeling when they were sitting. It felt more intense, almost to the point of discomfort, but he didn’t run away from it. He let the feeling grow and they looked into each other’s eyes. 

It was weird to Richard how this interaction existed in a purgatory between friendship and something…else. He didn’t know what to make of it exactly, and didn’t know what exactly he saw in Jared’s eyes. But that feeling in the pit of his stomach lulled him into a euphoric state where all he wanted was to feel like that everywhere.

Jared was the one who moved first, breaking the contact, taking Richard’s hand off his shoulder and in his hands, saying that he would finish cleaning up.

“Go get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Their eyes lingered and Richard remembered how Jared looked at him. Lovingly. 

And Richard did see him the next morning, but here he was, replaying this night over and over again in his head, staring up at the ceiling. Everything had almost entirely settled between them, and Jared had forgiven Richard, though he was still watching out for another fault. 

Yet here he was, something about these memories hitching in his mind.

He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how it felt to be that close to Jared. It was scary, but the way he felt with Jared’s body so close to his was intoxicating in a way he had trouble understanding. 

Other people touching him always put him on edge – he was never good with hugs, or handshakes, or physical contact in general. It felt invasive and awkward, like his entire body got tied in a knot and whoever tried to untie him didn’t know his boundaries. 

He always ran away from Jared’s affection under the assumption that it would feel similarly to every other time someone tried to touch him, but it was so different finally in real life when he didn’t shy away. Even with women, every time he was touched it was…wrong somehow – even worse than when he was touched platonically. 

But he would go back to feeling Jared’s long fingers wrap around the skin of his wrist any time. He almost craved it, though the word left a weird taste in his mouth. He didn’t know how else to describe it, other than he desperately wanted to feel that presence again. 

Except that was weird right? 

The terrifying thought flashed across his mind quickly, but he knocked it down, reasoning that he never felt that way with women so of course he didn’t like Jared like that. People always talked about having butterflies in their stomachs, and that’s what I was like with women. It felt very similar to anxiety – near identical even – but that’s what it was! (Right?) Comparing it using the metric of his relations with women, it couldn’t be like that. 

But then he also realized that, wait. He wouldn’t feel like that with women if this thought had any traction. The feelings were similarly intense, but it wasn’t anxiety with Jared, he realized; it was some prototype version of desire. 

He felt safe in Jared’s presence, he felt cared for, he felt warm and soft; he felt loved with Jared being so close. And he realized that that was so far away from how he felt being touched by women – how he felt being touched normally – but it was so much better with him. He would rather have that feeling he identified as an anomaly with Jared than the normal, bland feelings he had with women.

But maybe that wasn’t a good feeling, and it was just because Jared was a guy and so that feeling of warmth in his stomach was just him being uncomfortable since it was another man. And either way, it was just their hands – this whole train of thought was melodramatic and overthinking. It’s not like that could have meant anything or led to anything. 

Or could it have? 

(But what would it lead to?)

And he found himself almost wanting for it to have led to something, though not knowing what. 

Richard climbed out of bed and hurried to the kitchen in a quiet panic. His mind was racing with a million thoughts at once, and he didn’t know what to do with all this newly not realized, but proposed, information. He didn’t want to confront anything because then it would be…weird.

He felt better with Jared touching his wrist than he felt with his naked body pressed against a woman’s. They both elicited feelings in the same place, but with Jared it was so amplified, and actually pleasurable. With women, it was so fraught with “excitement,” that he now realized was anxiety, that it was more sharp than actually exciting. 

He tried to pour himself a glass of water, but his hands shook so much that the (thankfully plastic) cup fell to the floor. The water all spilled in front of him and he leaned back against the counter, holding his hands to his eyes. The cup falling was the last straw, and he began breathing shakily, eyes watering in the silently hectic commotion. 

Dinesh and Gilfoyle had already gone to bed, but Jared was apparently still up and about, silently walking through the house in his nightly routine. 

He walked to the kitchen doorway, and took in the scene, but Richard didn’t notice he was there until he spoke.

“Richard?”

His voice was as tentatively gentle as ever, but Richard still jumped at the sound.

His hands flew away from his face and gripped the counter behind him, revealing his puffy eyes. 

“J-Jared?” he choked. “H-hey, man, w-what-what’s up?” 

Richard tried to smile, tugging at the sleeves of his sweatshirt, but upon seeing his state, Jared made his way over, unsure of what to do.

“What happened here, Richard? Are you alright?”

Richard could see the concern and panic in Jared’s face but it didn’t entirely register. It all seemed a million miles away – the foot between them felt like a lightyear to Richard. Maybe he was pushing Jared away because he didn’t know how to manage these emotions, but it felt more like he was scared of Jared’s reaction. That was something else he hadn’t considered. What if Jared felt nothing in that moment?

Part of him thought it was just his luck for Jared to be the one who found him, but he was also glad that it was Jared and not Gilfoyle or Dinesh. He wanted to be around Jared, despite how terrifying the thought was now. 

“Th-the water, just the water- the cup, it-I j-just spilled.” 

Jared gingerly patted Richard’s shoulder with a nod, not realizing that it would elicit feelings Richard wasn’t in the mindset to handle.

His skin lit up again, and he felt like he was being pulled to Jared by a magnet. It was the same warm feeling. But physical contact didn’t feel like this. It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. So why was it like that with Jared? 

“I’ll clean up the water and get you a new glass.”

Jared began to turn away, but Richard reached out and touched his arm.

“W-wait, Jared.”

He bit his lip and retreated back into himself after getting Jared’s attention.

“Can I just talk to you for a second?” he asked, unsure if he wanted an answer. 

Jared’s face melted in his characteristic worry, in a way he stifled as to not upset Richard further. 

“Of course, Richard. What is it?”

He leaned forward to listen, but Richard didn’t exactly know where to start.

Before he could stop himself though, he closed his eyes and blurted out, “Are you straight, Jared?”

Jared was taken back and looked at him for a second. Richard’s mouth hung open and he stared at the ground in disbelief that he just said that out loud. He didn’t even really know why he asked that. Why did he want to know? 

Richard tried to clean up the mess he had just invited, holding his arms across his chest. Jared had asked himself the same question, wondering what Richard was getting at.

“I-I-I’m just asking because I-I feel like, I feel like maybe you, y-you would have some authority on it.”

He looked to read Jared’s expression, which was still frozen in even more confusion, asking for some kind of further explanation. Everything he said made the interaction more and more unnerving for them both.

“It’s just that, that you know… You’re the only one in this house that r-really…”

Richard couldn’t say anything else. 

“Authority on what? Are you referring to my sex life, Richard? I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I don’t know how to help you right now.”

Richard looked away from Jared and bit his lip roughly.

“U-um… N-no, I just, I meant th-that, I meant… No, no I wasn’t…”

Jared looked for further explanation again.

Richard took an extremely deep breath and spoke quickly with his eyes closed.

“Okay. I just think that since you’re the only person in the house that has a sex life, maybe you know something about sexuality and I just wanted to ask you about –“ 

But he cut himself off, terrified of what he might’ve said. What was he even going to ask?

Jared gently pried further, “About what, Richard?”

Richard didn’t know what exactly it was about though. He thought maybe if Jared explained how he is, how he knew one way or the other… Richard still couldn’t tell what he was asking for. 

Richard shook his head and quickly rubbed his temples. He stretched out his hands and turned to face Jared.

“Can you just tell me something?”

Jared nodded.

“Are you… Are you straight?”

The words came out hesitantly and he could still feel Jared’s bewilderment in response all of this. He could hardly navigate his own thoughts at the moment, let alone the conversation he was trying to have. 

Jared tilted his head and said matter-of-factly, but softly nonetheless, “No, Richard, I am in fact not.” 

Richard made a face somewhere between mild shock and relief. He didn’t know where the relief was from but he was glad his next question would be something Jared could answer.

Richard put one hand in his pocket and spoke with the other. 

“So, um… You have girls over, so… am I to understand that you are bisexual?” he asked nervously.

Jared nodded slightly, “Yes, Richard. It’s never come up in conversation, but I am attracted to men and women.” He said it kindly, knowing how distressed Richard was for reasons still unknown to him. 

Richard touched the back of his neck with his spare hand and took a moment to ask his next question.

“S-so… So how, how did you, you know, h-how did you – um – know?”

Jared leaned forward slightly, trying to piece together what Richard was upset about.

“How did I know I was not only attracted to women?”

Richard was uncomfortable with the concern in Jared’s voice and nodded, avoiding eye contact and twitching slightly.

Jared began to piece everything together and tried to grab Richard’s line of sight.

“What is this about, Richard?” 

He spoke so softly Richard’s response seemed like a shout in comparison.

“I just- how… H-how did you know, how did you know you were attracted to…”

He paused.

“Attracted to m-men.”

Jared understood now, and responded slowly, choosing his words carefully.

“I realized that when men touched me and vice versa, it was satisfactory.”

Something started to click in Richard, and he looked at Jared to elaborate.

“I noticed that I had seen men I was attracted to my entire life, but I thought that I was just jealous of their appearances. I noticed that the few men who were kind to me made me feel safe and warm when we touched.”

Richard held his arms and bit his lip, nodding, thinking over what Jared was saying.

Jared quietly laughed, so soft it was barely audible, and smiled.

“I don’t know how to describe it, Richard. I knew I was attracted to men when I realized that it felt nice to be close to them. It was like my skin lit up and I felt it in the pit of my stomach.” 

Everything came together in Richard and the realization hit him like a bag of bricks.

Jared smiled at Richard, with a self-indulgently loving look in his eyes, but when Richard saw him doing this, his eyes started to water. 

He didn’t really know why he became misty-eyed. It wasn’t supposed to feel good to be touched. It never had for him. Especially if it were a man – or a woman – he couldn’t tell which was worse. 

But that was the thing: now he knew which one was worse. 

It wasn’t that he was necessarily distraught and he definitely wasn’t sad, but he felt so overwhelmed that it just spilled out.

Jared didn’t know what exactly had made Richard cry, but he instinctively reached out to hold his shoulders or hug him or offer some kind of physical comfort. He hesitated at the last second though, and stopped with Richard’s past reactions in mind. 

“Richard, why are you crying? Is everything okay?”

Richard shook his head and wiped his eyes after only a few tears were shed. Every thought he had had that night raced through his mind to try and reach his voice first. He had to say something. The urge to be touched by Jared won, and he quickly, almost involuntarily, said all together:

“Jared, please hug me.”

He didn’t know what his plea was, he didn’t know why he couldn’t stop himself from asking, and he couldn’t even look at Jared directly. 

He had shut his eyes, regretting it almost immediately, terrified of being rejected, but before he knew it, Jared had embraced him. His fingers gingerly wrapped around Richard’s back, and pressed them together. Richard’s hands were likewise curled into balls against Jared’s chest and he felt the soft starch of Jared’s nightshirt against his wet cheeks as he silently felt all the panic intensify and melt away at the same time. 

It was so strange and stressful to be touched in a way that he had never felt, but he was glad that he was so close to Jared. The feeling that was in his wrist the night they got back from Melcher’s office travelled through his entire body and he knew what Jared meant about…men. He felt so calm and light and warm and safe in Jared’s arms and every anxiety that he had had slowly dissipated as Jared’s thumbs ran up and down against Richard’s sweatshirt. 

But as the anxiety left, and as the panic subsided, he still felt so many things at once. Not only did he realize a major part of what he thought of himself was wrong, but it was Jared and it was a new feeling he couldn’t accept he had missed out on for so long. He still felt overwhelmed and he kept crying, though with more fervor as he buried his face in Jared’s chest. He cried happily though; nothing in that moment felt wrong or bad or uncomfortable or invasive. 

Jared’s nose was in Richard’s hair and the impact of Richard’s realization faded; it felt almost silly to him, that he had so much anxiety about feeling this good. He was so panicked but this was what he was afraid of; he was afraid of feeling safe and happy in someone’s arms. 

Jared pulled Richard away slightly, just enough to look him in the eye. 

“Are you okay, Richard? You’ve never let me hug you before.”

Richard sniffled and rested his head back on Jared’s chest and said with a weak laugh, “I'm fine. Better than fine. You were right that this is satisfactory.”

Jared held Richard tightly and smiled meagerly, knowing what all this was about now, using his intuitive knowledge of Richard. But he still asked for a clarification.

“What happened tonight, Richard? What caused all of this?”

Jared’s hands didn’t move, worried that sudden movement might be scary, as Richard’s arms dropped around Jared’s waist. 

“When you touched my wrist… The night we came back from Melcher’s office. I felt what you said.”

Jared’s eyes widened slightly out of the possibilities he was interpreting. 

“So you have had a realization about your sexuality?” 

Jared was asking his questions with extreme caution now. He didn’t want to scare Richard and ruin this moment that he enjoyed just as much. 

Richard took a deep breath. 

“I don’t know. I just want to...stay here.”

Jared felt those words in his chest and held Richard far enough away so that he could look him in the eye.

“So… It does not bother you that I am the one holding you?” 

Richard chewed on the thought but quickly replied:

“Jared, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but the best part about this is probably that it’s with you.”

Jared’s heart did a back flip and he felt confident enough in what he was interpreting to ask his last question.

“Richard?”

He spoke so quietly, so slowly.

“Y-yeah? Jared?”

They were both suddenly aware of their height difference, and Richard’s hands were still on Jared’s waist. One of the hands that Jared had on Richard’s back moved to his cheek with extreme caution, tantalizingly slow and afraid of rejection, waiting for an objection, but Richard could feel anticipation bubble inside him.

“How do you… feel about me?”

It was so vague, and he sounded so unsure, but Richard knew what it meant.

He laughed nervously and looked from Jared’s eyes to his lips and then back. They both felt the light feeling, that was everywhere they touched, pool in their mouths. 

He stood up slightly and pecked Jared on the lips quickly, like a magnet compelled him, not even giving him a chance to close his eyes. Richard made a face, feeling weird that he had just kissed a guy – a guy! – for the first time, but then smiled at Jared, realizing that the experience outweighed any doubts he had in the back of his mind.

Jared grinned back and laughed breathily, mirroring Richard’s near-adolescent giddiness.

Jared slowly leaned forward and this time they both tilted their heads, eyes closed, lips meeting. It was soft and eager but insecure and almost afraid but so innocently affectionate. 

They gravitated toward each other, Jared’s hands leading Richard back into him, their entire bodies rigid in lack of confidence, except for their mouths pulling forward and back like an ocean tide. 

When they pulled away, Richard looked at the floor and let out a small nervous laugh. 

Jared kissed his forehead and held the side of Richard’s face closely. 

“Was that satisfactory as well?” Jared asked self-consciously.

Richard looked up, his entire body alight, drunk on the new feeling of comfort in someone else’s touch, and gave Jared another peck. 

He rested his cheek back on Jared’s chest and sighed happily. 

“Y-yeah.”

He paused, and laughed a little.

“Probably even better.”

Richard moved away to go back to bed, with the idea of Jared coming with in mind, but unknowingly strode through the spilled water still on the ground and fell on his face. Jared knelt down, hands outstretched as they always were, and Richard held his head.

Jared failed to see the humor in this moment, but Richard found it amusing.

And after a neurotic check from Jared to make sure he wasn't badly hurt, they made their way to the nearest couch and fell asleep.


End file.
